Comatose Biden Enters 2024 Race, Polls Higher Than Awake Candidates
Biden's coma candidacy takes the lead, proving that America prefers a president who snoozes over one who schmoozes. Dare to dream: read on for the inside scoop!
WASHINGTON D.C. - In an unprecedented move that has left political pundits scratching their heads, a comatose Joe Biden announced his candidacy for the 2024 presidential race. Despite his unconscious state, the 80-year-old former president has managed to outperform his fully awake and sentient competitors in early polls.
Campaign staffers, who have been eagerly deciphering Biden's sleep mumblings, insist that his coma-induced slumber is an advantage in the race for the White House. "The American people are tired of politicians who talk without saying anything," said a senior aide. "Biden's coma is a breath of fresh air, offering a quiet and peaceful alternative to the usual political bluster."
Meanwhile, opponents have been quick to criticize the unorthodox campaign, with some suggesting that a comatose president could be detrimental to the nation. "It's clear that Biden's sleep-talking is more coherent than some politicians' awake-talking, but does that really qualify him for the presidency?" questioned one skeptical pundit.
However, supporters argue that Biden's current condition would make him uniquely qualified to tackle America's most pressing issues. "He's been dreaming of solutions for months now," said a campaign spokesperson. "And let's face it, our country could use some sweet dreams right about now."
Biden's campaign has already released a series of sleep-inspired policy proposals, including universal naptime, government-funded dreamcatchers, and a national pillow fight day. The proposals have been met with enthusiasm from a weary American public, many of whom are excited by the prospect of a more restful political climate.
The Democratic Party has embraced the Biden coma campaign, with several high-profile endorsements coming in from politicians, celebrities, and even former rivals. "Joe may be asleep at the wheel, but he's still a better driver than most," remarked one well-known senator.
As the 2024 race heats up, it remains to be seen whether Biden's comatose campaign will continue to lead in the polls. But one thing is certain: in a political landscape filled with noise and chaos, a candidate who sleeps through it all is a welcome change of pace.
