Russia's Top Obituary Writer Takes on Challenge of Describing Prigozhin's 'Natural Causes' Death by Polonium Milkshake
Dairy Doom: 'Putin's Chef' Yevgeny Prigozhin 'naturally' succumbs to a lethal radioactive milkshake in Russia's most shocking lactose intolerance case yet.
MOSCOW, RU – In a show of professional prowess, Russia's top obituary writer, Sergei Scribblov, is tackling his biggest challenge yet: detailing Yevgeny Prigozhin's death from 'natural causes', specifically a fatal case of polonium poisoning via milkshake.
Scribblov, renowned for his eloquent write-ups of untimely departures, took to his quill with gusto. "It's not every day you have to describe a man dropping dead after sipping a strawberry milkshake laced with radioactive isotopes," said Scribblov, sporting a pair of designer hazmat gloves, a recent fashion trend among Russian journalists.
Prigozhin, a businessman better known as "Putin's Chef," allegedly succumbed to a particularly aggressive strain of lactose intolerance, previously unseen in medical history, shortly after enjoying a 'delicious but slightly glowing' milkshake.
The milkshake, a homemade concoction sent by an anonymous 'admirer' – who, in an unrelated note, is the reigning world champion in Polonium extraction – was the last thing Prigozhin consumed before meeting his maker. The Kremlin has been quick to point out that radioactive substances are a common ingredient in traditional Russian dairy beverages. "It's no different from a high-stakes game of radioactive Russian Roulette," commented a Kremlin spokesman, visibly sweating through his lead-lined suit.
Scribblov’s task is unenviable, having to craft a narrative that maintains the facade of normality, whilst also acknowledging the unusual presence of a lethal dose of Polonium-210. He’s up for the challenge, however. "I once had to write an obituary for a man who choked on a pickle while performing Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake on a unicycle," he said, with the air of someone who has seen it all.
Details of Prigozhin's 'naturally caused' death will be finalized in Scribblov's upcoming obituary column, a task that has left the writer with a peculiar craving for milkshakes. In the meantime, the general public is reminded to exercise caution while enjoying any dairy-based beverages and to be suspicious of gifts from admirers with a background in nuclear physics.
